Is it possible to discipline without needing to resort to yelling, Time-Outs and spanking?
Yelling, time-outs and threats always seemed like a less than ideal solution for disciplining a willful toddler.
I am constantly on the search for strategies to be a better parent and parent more effectively.
I just completed reading the book No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson.
After reading this book, I tested its results for a few weeks and so far, it has worked really well!
Not only have I been able to remain more calm when disciplining, but my toddler seems to have responded really well to these techniques. I no longer intend to use yelling or Time-Outs to discipline anymore!
Biggest Improvements in My Toddler
The biggest change that I have seen in my toddler since I started implementing the strategies in this book has been an increase in her emotional well-being.
I can see that she is not only visibly happier, but she also feels a lot more loved.
She has actually said ‘Thank You’ voluntarily to me more times these last few weeks than she ever has before. She even drew pictures for me to thank me.
This could be because she feels that I focus on teaching her, rather than discipline (and punishment).
It could also be because when I take the time to explain to her why I say ‘No’, she understands that I do it out of love and concern, and not willy-nilly.
Summary of No-Drama Discipline Book: Without Yelling, Time-Outs, Spanking
These are my main takeaways from the book.
- Fear-based parenting tends to produce reactions in us that we may not desire, such as losing your temper and shouting at your kids. For example, when your child throws a tantrum in the supermarket, we imagine everyone judging us. We have to learn to turn off the words/noise that plays in our head that make us fearful.
- The main purpose for discipline is not to punish or control or even create consequences. The main purpose of discipline is to teach. For example, to teach your child so that they understand, learn and can behave better.
- We may want our kids to stop a behavior immediately (for example, to stop hitting us), which is our short-term goal but our long-term goal should always be to teach and educate. We can do this by setting limits and boundaries.
- Our kid’s brains, just like ours, are divided into several parts. One part is called the “reptile brain” or the “lower brain” which is the part that governs our responses when we feel primal instincts like fear (fight, flight or freeze). This part of the brain is what causes a toddler to throw a tantrum or a toy. The “mammal brain” or “upstairs brain” covers more complex thinking like decision-making, empathy and compassion.
- When a kid is emotionally upset, overwhelmed, feels threatened or is unable to regulate their emotions, they are responding from their “lower brain”. This is not a good time to discipline as they will be unable to listen to reason or think.
- When teaching our kid to behave better, we need our kid to use their “higher brain” and guide them to use their insight, empathy and moral thinking.
- To help our kids move from their “lower brain” to their “higher brain”, we need to help them calm down. We do this by connecting emotionally with them to reassure them of the full force of our love and that we are on their side.
- To help our kids feel connected to us, we should do these 4 things:
- Communicate comfort (the easiest and most effective way is to hug them)
- Validate their feelings (acknowledge that what they feel is real)
- Listen to them (listen with attention)
- Reflect what they have told us (verbally repeat what they are feeling so they know that we heard them).
Discipline can be summarized as 1-2-3 Discipline.
1- Purpose: the purpose of discipline is to teach.
2- Principles: we should follow these 2 principles when using discipline with our kids:
i. Wait till child is ready before you discipline. Move your child from their “lower brain” to their “higher brain”.
ii. Be consistent but not rigid. We need consistent rules and limits but we don’t have to adhere to them rigidly if there are times when we should make exceptions.
3- Outcomes: We should seek to achieve these 3 outcomes when using discipline with our kids
i. Awareness/insight- Help to create awareness in our kids (of their behavior etc).
ii. Empathy- Help our kids develop empathy towards others.
iii. Repair/redirect- Help our kids repair the damage that they may have caused.
- We can use the acronym REDIRECT to help us what we should or should not do when using discipline.
Reduce words- try to talk less.
Embrace emotions- there are no acceptable or unacceptable emotions. We need to accept how our kids feel.
Describe, don’t preach- Describe what has happened so that your child is aware.
Involve child in the discipline- You can ask them a question like, “How can you get my attention without hitting me?” Kids are more likely to accept the discipline if they are involved in the process.
Reframe no’s into a conditional yes- Instead of saying No, tell them how they can get a Yes.
Emphasize the positive- focus on the positives rather than the negatives.
Creatively approach situation- For example, use humor to defuse the situation.
Teach tools- focus on teaching and developing their “higher brain”.
These were my main takeaways. You will pick up a lot more tips by reading the book itself.
One of the cheapest ways to get your own copy of the book is from Amazon Kindle.
Did I Ever Fail In The Disciplining of My Kid While Trying These Strategies?
I was able to follow the strategies most of the time but there was one time when I admit that I failed miserably.
This was when I was cooking and my toddler had been trying to get my attention for a while. She finally lost her patience and bit me on my bum!
The bite caught me by surprise and when I felt the pain, I instantly reacted and gave her a tap on her bum which made my toddler cry.
Was I disappointed with myself? Definitely. I realize that it does take time to change one’s habits.
But I am not giving up because of this one incident!
Book Recommendation for Discipline?
So will I recommend this book to parents?
Yes, for most parents.
This book is great for parents who struggle with understanding why it may be harmful to yell, punish or put a child in Time-Out.
It’s also great for parents who don’t know how else to get their child to listen to them.
If this sounds like you, read the book!
However, if you are already a chilled parent who is able to calm your child down and you spend time explaining things to your kids, this book may not have enough meat for you.
You may be better off reading another parenting book that helps you with other gaps in your parenting.
We hope this helps you to be the best parent that you can be!
