Have you ever had enough of your kid’s behavior? My toddler had asked for a cup of milk. When I handed it to her, she complained that it wasn’t what she wanted and threw it on the ground, spilling it all over our kitchen floor. I immediately got mad and insisted that my toddler grab a cloth and help wipe up the mess. She refused to budge and even threw a further tantrum. Scolding her didn’t seem to work. Putting her in a naughty corner just created further tantrums.
I was at a loss. What was I supposed to do? Ignore the bad behavior and wipe up the mess myself? Or punish her more so that she understood the consequences of what she had done?
It’s situations like this that cause me to be on the constant lookout for great parenting books to read. Just like how great sports coaches keep up to date with the latest scientific research on human performance, I believe that a parent can learn a lot from other seasoned parents and parenting experts. Why make all the mistakes yourself when someone else has already found solutions, right?
I recently reviewed the book No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. I learned a lot of useful strategies from this book.
Now, I am reading an earlier book published by the same authors, The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind.
The principles in both books are similar. However, since The Whole-Brain Child was written first, it explains the concept of the whole-brain in a simpler manner.
These are some of my main takeaways and suggestions on how to apply them to common kid behavior problems.
Problematic Kid’s Behavior
Our left side of the brain is logical while the right is emotional. An emotionally and mentally healthy child is able to integrate their right brain experiences with their left.
A kid who operates entirely out of their right brain tends to experience chaos but a kid who only uses their left brain tends to experience rigidity.
We, as parents, can help our kids achieve more balance in their lives by helping them to integrate both these parts of their brain.
Situation 1 example: Your kid has the biggest meltdown because a little water got on her clothes.
Situation 1 application: If we have a kid who reacts emotionally all the time, ask them questions that require them to think things through. This will help them move from their right brain to their left.
For example, after your kid reacts in a big way to water getting on her clothes, you can ask her “What can we do to help our clothes get dry quickly? Do you think that a hair dryer will work?”
Situation 2 example: Your kid consistently likes ordering other kids around and when they don’t ‘follow the rules’, he yells at them.
Situation 2 application: If we have a kid who likes to force or demand that other kids follow the rules strictly, we can ask them, “How would you feel if someone else yelled at you? How do you think that boy feels when you yell at him?”
By asking these questions, you are helping the child to consider other people’s feelings and develop empathy.
My Toddler Doesn’t Listen/Can’t Be Disciplined
HALT is an acronym to remind you to check for signs of Hunger, Anger, Loneliness and Tiredness; the common signs that lead to tantrums before they get out of control.
A simple way to think about how our kid’s brain works is to think about a house with an upstairs level and a downstairs level. From birth, our kid’s downstairs brain is fully operational. When they are fearful or reacting in an uncontrolled way, it’s the downstairs brain that is in charge. It’s where our fight-and-flight responses come from.
On the other hand, our upstairs brain is analytical and logical. Our kid’s upstairs brain is not fully formed until they are in their mid-20’s.
This means that when our kids feel overwhelmed by their emotions, they lose their ability to think. The downstairs brain has taken over.
When our kids are upset, we need to help them move from their downstairs back to their upstairs brain. Since their downstairs brain is in charge when our kids feel threatened, upset or scared, we need to help them calm down first before we can reason with them.
One of the fastest ways to help them calm down is by physically hugging them. You can also use calming words or connect with their emotions by reflecting their feelings. When they have calmed down, we can then encourage their upstairs brain to re-engage by asking them questions that require them to think or ponder.
Situation 3 example: At the start of this article, I mentioned the incident of my toddler throwing a cup of milk on the floor on purpose. I lost my cool and demanded that she wipe it up. She refused so I scolded her. She still refused and threw a further tantrum. I threatened to put her in the naughty corner if she didn’t wipe up the milk. She refused so I had to drag her to the naughty corner (her bedroom). While in there, she started throwing more things around. I had no idea how to make her stop; much less teach her about the consequences of throwing the original cup of milk.
Situation 3 application: I failed to realize that my kid’s downstairs brain had taken over. Instead of disciplining my child immediately after throwing the milk, I should have connected with her emotions first by comforting or calming her with words or a hug. Even though she had thrown the cup of milk of purpose, seeing the mess had probably shocked her too. I should have allowed her to calm down first and once her upstairs brain was back in control, I could then teach her about consequences and ask her to clean up the mess.
Kid Is Angry and Doing Damage
When kids are reactive, get them to release their pent-up energy by doing physical activities like throwing a ball around, running etc. This helps them to shift their state and reconnect back with their upstairs brain.
My toddler loves dancing, so I have sometimes asked her to “dance away” from something that upsets her.
You can also start training your child to develop their upstairs brain by playing games where you ask them questions such as “What would you do?” Avoid saving them from difficult decisions.
At dinner time, you can make up imaginary situations. For example, you can ask them to imagine that someone has stolen their book. Then ask them, “What would you do?”
Situation 4 example: Your kid is angry that their local ice cream shop has run out of their favorite ice cream and starts throwing a tantrum in the shop.
Situation 4 application: Rather than trying to deal with your angry kid in the shop, take them outside and let them release their anger by running up and down the street. When they have calmed down, you can then take them back inside to choose another flavor.
Kid Doesn’t Know What They Feel or How to Express It
Use the acronym SIFT- Sensations (physical sensations), Images (what you see in your mind), Feelings (what you are feeling) and Thoughts (what you are thinking about) to create awareness for your kid.
Situation 5 example: Your kid struggles with recognizing and expressing their feelings. Because of this, they often end up bottling their feelings or exploding like a volcano.
Situation 5 application: Play the SIFT game to help your child notice what’s going on inside of them. For example, you can play the SIFT game while doing activities together. Take turns to ask each other questions.
“What sensations are you feeling right now?
What do you see in your mind?
What are you feeling now?
What are you thinking about?”
Your responses could be something like this,
“My back feels a bit tense.”
“In my mind, I see myself sitting in my classroom with the teacher standing in front of me.”
“I am feeling nervous about the school quiz.”
“I am thinking that I should have studied harder this week.”
This game also helps them to integrate the left brain (logical and analytical) with the right brain (feelings, emotions).
Kid Worries Too Much
Teach your kid that he has control over what he focuses on. His life is divided into many different parts and he can choose what he thinks about.
Situation 6 example: Your kid tends to worry a lot and it affects his mood and performance at school.
Situation 6 application: Teach your kid about the Mindset Wheel. It looks like a bicycle wheel with spokes but I prefer using a pizza analogy to explain this. On each pizza slice, your kid can write down what consistent thoughts he has. Try to get a combination of negative/draining thoughts as well as positive/relaxing/empowering ones. Then explain to your child that when he feels drained, it’s because he is actually focusing on the negative pizza slice. But he can also choose to focus on other positive pizza slices. If he keeps eating bad pizza, he will feel bad. But if he chooses to eat good pizza, he will feel better.
Kid Can’t Deal with Intense Emotions
It’s important to help kids recognize and acknowledge their feelings. But it’s also equally important to teach them that feelings are not forever, they change.
Situation 7 example: Your kid’s pet goldfish dies. She can’t get over her sadness.
Situation 7 application: When our kid feels intense emotions, connect with their emotions. Let them know that emotions are like rain clouds. They feel heavy when they are there but eventually, the wind will blow them away. You can say something like, “You feel sad and it’s hard right now. It’s OK to feel sad. Feelings feel very big in the beginning. But later, they will start to feel different. Over time, you will start to feel better.”
Your Kid Hates Preschool/School or Anything That You Want to Encourage
Neuroscientists like to say that “neurons that fire together wire together”. This is a process that neuroscientists use to explain why we often have emotions associated with particular places, people and activities. Help your kid to associate positive feelings with things that you want to encourage.
Situation 8 example: Your kid tells you that they don’t want to go to school. Let’s assume that there is no bullying or anything else that warrants immediate attention. Your child simply does not enjoy going to school but you want him to find enjoyment in school so that he will stay in school.
Situation 8 application: Help your kid find things about school that they like. It could be art class, friends, a favorite teacher etc. Help them to add things that they enjoy into school. Maybe it’s getting a new pair of shoes so that they feel good about themselves. Maybe it’s helping other kids in school. Focus on finding what they already do well. If a kid is often made to feel stupid at school, they start to hate and even become ‘dumb’ at school. Find many opportunities to praise their work and set high expectations while also expressing your belief in their ability to do well.
Kid Who Can’t Remember Things
Train your kid’s brain to remember things by asking them to recall previous events, activities etc. Make this into a regular game.
Situation 9 example: Your child never seems to remember things. They don’t remember where they put things, what they did etc.
Situation 9 application: In the beginning, make it easy. When you pick them up from school, ask them what they ate, what they did etc. As they get better at recalling things, ask them about things further in the past. Ask them what they liked most about last year’s Christmas, or what they liked about their old school.
Your Kid Doesn’t Like to Tell You Anything & Doesn’t Share
It’s important to know what is going on in our kid’s life. We can also use these opportunities to help our kid to build up their emotional awareness and strength.
For specific significant happy events, you could work on creating a memory book together. You both can collect photos, memorabilia, drawings etc. This will not only allow you to connect with your child about the significant event, but you will also have a memory book that your child can keep forever to remind him or her of the event.
Situation 10 example: Your kid seems to be going through a lot at school but when you ask them about it, they don’t want to talk about it.
Situation 10 application: If you have a kid that doesn’t like talking or sharing, you can make it into a game. For example, ask your kid to share two things that happened that day that are true, and one that isn’t. You have to take turns to guess which one is untrue. Games are less threatening than an interrogation.
Kid Can’t Sleep
Situation 11 example: Your kid lays awake at night worrying.
Situation 11 application: When your kid feels scared, worried or can’t sleep, you can ask them to think about a place where they feel calm and peaceful. For example, swinging in a hammock, floating in a boat or relaxing on the beach.
Kid Experiences A Traumatic Event
When a child experiences a traumatic or significant event, they often feel the need to retell the story over and over again. Each retelling allows the child to release a little bit more of the emotions associated with the story, whether it is tension and trauma (negative event) or excitement and elation (positive event). Listen patiently and supportively when your child tells you the same story repeatedly as the process is healing for them.
If your kid doesn’t want to talk about it, it is our duty as parents to help them deal with it, instead of letting them bury their fears. Buried and forgotten fears often create future problems like irrational fears and phobias.
Situation 12 example: Your kid watches their dog get hit by a car. The dog is injured and ends up in the animal hospital. Even after the dog gets better, your child doesn’t seem to want to talk about what happened or play with the dog anymore.
Situation 12 application: One way to help our kid through integrating their internal fears with external learning is to talk about what happened. But if they refuse to talk because it brings up too much painful memories, offer to tell the story for them instead.
Tell them that they can say ‘pause’ and ‘fast forward’ at any time while you tell the story. This allows them to skip to a part of the story that feels more comfortable for them. Make sure that you end the story with a happy perspective of what happened. For example, you can emphasize that the dog is now okay and back with you all again.
Then rewind back to the painful parts of the story and retell the story again. With every rewind, cover more and more of the painful gaps until your child finally allows you to get through the entire story. Verbalizing what happened helps your child to get clarity and meaning, which aids in healing.
Parents Can Benefit from These Strategies Too
Research has shown that in order to raise kids that are thriving emotionally, socially and physically, parents need to be sensitive to their kids’ needs. In order to be able to do this, it’s vital that we have awareness of our own childhood upbringing and how it impacts our current parenting. Don’t be afraid to use any of these strategies for yourself too.
The above are just some of the important lessons that I picked up while reading this book. Remember that my suggestions are merely that, my own suggestions. I am not a professional child expert nor do I know your child like you do, so adjust them to suit your situation!
There are many more gold nuggets of wisdom and strategies in this book so if the above strategies sound interesting to you, make sure you check out the rest of the book: The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind.
